We will take a moment this month to wish Happy Mother’s Day to the person who fills that role in our lives. It is a role that is always changing. We find ourselves flexing and stretching through the years to straddle the demands of home and work. Throw a Traumatic Brain Injury into the mix and all bets are off!
I remember Mother’s Day, May 13, 1990. I was largely pregnant, already a week past due, awaiting the birth of my third child. It had been a long, difficult pregnancy. Finally, on the afternoon of May 16, I held my beautiful baby girl in my arms. It’s raining and the smell of lilacs fills the air when I head home two days later, anxious to do life with my two little boys and their new baby sister.
May 11, 2008, I celebrate Mother’s Day again with my family. There’s so much to look forward to. Lauren is graduating from high school in a month. She has achieved numerous awards as well as a scholarship to U.B.C. Okanagan where she will study nursing. The house is filled with the aroma of lilacs once again. I’ve picked a bouquet for the dining room table and hope they will last until we celebrate Lauren’s 18th birthday on May 16.
Five days later on May 16, 2008, I wake briefly to the sound of crying, people talking in hushed tones. Monitors are beeping, I.V. lines dripping…I am so confused. I drift in and out of consciouness. Somewhere in the fog, there are fragments of memories from that day. I’m decorating a cake, I’m finishing the last file at the law office, I’m on my bike, I hear a loud engine revving…then nothing. Where am I?
I learn a couple of days later that I had been hit by a truck while cycling home from my office. The driver fled the scene, leaving me unconscious in the ditch. While in hospital, they deal with my physical injuries, I’m in constant pain, assuming the confusion in my head is due to pain medication. At home, things become even more confusing. I cannot remember how to operate the coffee maker, no recall of what a washer or dryer does. Clocks, remotes, cell phones – all foreign objects. How will I care for my family?
I beg my doctor for permission to attend Lauren’s graduation. As I’m unable to walk, I attend in a wheelchair. Most of that evening is a blur but there are images of her in a beautiful gold gown. I cry, laugh, talk loud, make no sense and have to leave far too early in the evening as the stimuli of everything overwhelmed me. I’m not the Mom I want to be. I’ve morphed into someone I can’t even recognize.
How can this be happening? In two months she will begin university and I’m of no help in this enormous life transition she is facing. I was the mom who was up early, making lunches, checking homework, attending concerts and track meets and involved in many committees. Now I’m mom in a wheelchair and my daughter is driving me to neurological rehab where I’m learning to tie my shoes again and speak.
I was thrown into a totally reversed role now where my adult children were my caregivers. Learning to navigate this new dynamic was humiliating. I fully expected resentment would be the outcome. Brain injury often brings about enormous change in the family dynamic. Sadly, my marriage of 33 years was not exempt. My children were adults at the time our marriage ended but they still grieved the loss of family stability.
My oldest son was deeply impacted by the challenges I faced trying to access resources and chose to study as a social worker and bring about change for marginalized people. My middle son suffered the loss of his own child on the heels of my injury. He lobbied for change in pediatric heart transplant policies in our province. My daughter saw me struggle to work through memory, emotion, trying to communicate my abstract thoughts. She chose the path of psychiatric nursing and is now an advocate for mental health and drug addiction in our city.
What will I celebrate this Mother’s Day? Firstly, huge gratitude for being alive! I will celebrate three children who have known adversity in their own lives but have chosen to advocate for others facing challenges. I’ll celebrate the strong support I have from my husband of three years.
I think I’ll take a walk and smell the lilacs. They say smell is the strongest invoker of memory. Maybe that fragrance will take me back to easier times prior to injury and loss. As I embrace the familiar scent of so many yesterdays maybe it will give fresh courage to face future Mother’s Days with authenticity and grace regardless of life’s challenges.
Happy Mother’s Day!’
